I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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