stop calling my apartment porn island.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
