Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
