A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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