Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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