Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
