I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
