so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
