we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
