youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
