Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
