Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
