Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
love makes seman taste better
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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