Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
