So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
