my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
