Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
