Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
