It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
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a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
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Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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