my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
