oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
