i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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