Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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