well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Randomize
