i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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