I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
they're like a gay fantastic four
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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