and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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