I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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