Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
