Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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