I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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