I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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