What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
