and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
