life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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