i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
