Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
