You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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