my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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