I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
