i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
