YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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