apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
