I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
