DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
