My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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