My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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