Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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