clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
