I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I skipped work to stalk him.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
