Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
