and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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