I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
This gyro tastes like lonliness
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
We had sex on a dog bed..
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
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