You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
