Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
