Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
