somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
