I just made out with a guy for $7.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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