He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
