don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
