New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
