just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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